I’ll bet you thought I was dead. Several forums reported that I was killed at Anime Detour for my controversial blog. The rumors of my death were greatly exaggerated. I can explain everything in my official con report (yes, I know it is late so shut up):
Those bakas at the Sheraton screwed up my room and ended up giving my room to those snotty punks who run the yaoi panel. I cussed at the desk clerks in Japanese which apparently one of them mistook for Arabic and called for a security guard who tackled me. After three hours of explaining the whole ordeal, the Sheraton said I could stay for the convention and that I could buy a room, but not at the convention rate. I didn’t have any credit left on my credit card so I decided to sleep in my parent’s car that I borrowed for the weekend. It wasn’t so bad. I had plenty of manga, Pocky and high spirits to last through the night. I’ve waited for Anime Detour this long; I can make it through one more cold night.
I awoke around 10:30am to sounds of teenagers squealing and chanting ‘THE GAME’ in the parking lot. How I loathe them. Bitter and tired, I grabbed my duffle bag and headed to the hotel restroom to wash myself and dawn my Hentalia cosplay. Some janitor who entered while I was changing gave me a weird look due to either my cosplay or my partially washed body. I responded with ‘hey, it’s an anime convention’ and laughed my way out of the restroom. Registration sucked. The con staff got angry at me for putting my cosplay on before I acquired my badge. Then when I actually got up to the badge pick-up, I had to show them several forms of ID since they didn’t believe my driver’s license. Apparently SOMEBODY messed up my information and entered me in as a youth guest under the age of 18. Loganaka, I know you volunteered for Anime Detour and if I find out you were behind this, I will gut you Rurouni Kenshin style. And I’m not talking TV series Kenshin; I’m talking straight up OAVs, mother-baka!
After that whole ordeal, I hit the video rooms for some Slayers Revolution and Dragonball Z Kai. I think I passed out at some point and the a-hole staff kicked me out for sleeping. I wasn’t sleeping; I was resting after an uncomortable night in my car because your precious yaoi panelists had to be housed. I hit the gaming rooms next, but it was really irritating playing Smash Bros against a bunch of 17-year-old trolls who all ganged up on me. It would’ve been easier to fight back if they weren’t all playing as Pikachu! I was eventually kicked out of there for chucking a a Wii-mote at some punk kid’s head. What a baby. I’ve been hit with an X-Box controller and you didn’t see me crying.
Then came the dance which was incredible. I enjoy the Detour rave more than any other mainly because they don’t toss me out for my weight or my body odor. I had a great time dancing and met this hot little moe chick in Rosen Maiden cosplay. We went back to her hotel room and had some drinks. Though my memory is blurry, I’m pretty sure we did it…twice.
I awoke in the hotel room bathtub at noon. My clothes were gone along with my wallet and all the Pocky I bought. That woman I met wrote me a letter on the desk in Japanese. My Japanese is still at basic college level, but I could make out the words ‘baka’ and ‘fat’. The little tramp duped me. I’d get back at her. It seems the girl and her friends had taken all their stuff out of the room so I made a toga out of the bedsheets. Unluckily for her, I knew which photoshoot she’d be attending at this time. I bust into the picture-taking and announce the girl’s misdeeds to my being. That hussy had the nerve to start fake-crying and accuse me of raping her. Of course, being the overweight college otaku naked with a bedsheet, everybody believes her story. Security is called and they tackle me as I tried to escape into the parking lot. The tackle removes the bedsheet and every con-goer can see my pasty ass. All I could do was cry as the police car hauled me off to holding.
I awoke at 6am in the holding cell as my parents came to see me. My mother was weeping as my dad told me that all these ‘Chinese cartoons’ lead me down this ‘path of sin’. Rather than pay the bail, my baka-gaijin of parents decided to let me face jail time. They thought it would ‘straighten me out’.
So for the last two months, I have been in prison. I have to attend counciling and my parents refuse to let me stay in the house or pay for my college education. I also have to register as a sex-offender which is just awesome (I’m being sarcastic btw). I had to move out of the dorms and I am currently living at Loganaka’s house (but for social purposes, he denies my residence at his house). I can still attend the college anime club, but I was forced to step down as chair. Are you happy, trolls? Are you happy, gaijins? This is what you wanted. I have been disgraced and am now the scum of society. My identity in the anime networks have been tainted. You probably think this is the last blog post I’ll ever write and you’d be right…
…except you are WRONG! Don’t be fooled, you bakas! The great Dragon Rocker Z will rise from the ashes like the mighty Phoenix from the manga of the same name. I have sent in my resume to several anime websites including Anime 3000 and ANN. I will form my own club above such simple-minded college otaku. And, then, in the final step of my master plan to reform my life, I shall acquire a new woman. I’m totally over you now, Rebecca! My new onna will be the perfect lady who will bare my children. Too late to beg, Rebecca! The craigslist posting has already gone up. Don’t even think about e-mailing back about how much you miss me and want me back. From here on out, things can only go up. Dragon Rocker Z is here and he ain’t leaving!
-Keep on Rockin’ That Dragon