WHAT THE FUCK?

So it was just another Saturday night at Loganaka’s house. I was reading manga and sipping on Ramune as Loganaka was watching SNL. He still finds it funny and after last Saturday I still do not understand why. When SNL delivered this horrible parody, I nearly threw up my Pocky. The worst part was that Loganaka was actually laughing along with that horrid audience of bakas. I could take no more and chucked my Ramune at the television to end this madness. I ended up breaking the TV and Loganaka demands that I pay for a new one. I, however, refuse to make amends until he apologizes for finding humor in such an unfunny jab at otaku culture. Of course, being the stubborn gaijin he is, Loganaka refused and is giving me one week to replace the TV before he calls the cops to escort me out of his house. Game on, loser!

What Loganaka fails to realize is that this ‘skit’ is the worst thing to happen to otaku culture in years. Do you know how many people watch SNL? Millions! That’s millions of people who still haven’t experienced the joys of such masterpieces as High School of the Dead or Midori no Hibi. Now they’ll simply right us all off as creepy nerds who want to be Japanese and date Japanese people. That is not true! We are not creepy, we don’t want to BE Japanese and we don’t have Japanese girlfriends!

This is a warning to NBC: Stay the fuck away from otaku culture! You don’t know anything about us and you have no idea what you were talking about with this skit. It was a blatant display of racism to not just the Japanese, but the entire otaku community. You have pushed back our cultural acceptance by decades all because you wanted to make a few people laugh. Therefore, I am issuing an otaku call-to-arms. We must boycott NBC! Spread the word! Do not watch The Office! Do not watch Chuck! I’ll be doing my part by picketing the local NBC affiliate, KARE 11, all this week seeing as how none of my job leads have called me back. I urge any and all who have a love for Japanese culture to stop NBC from mocking us. They think the occupy Wall Street event is huge? Just wait until you see the girth of the anime community flung into the face of NBC. You’ve awakened a beast you do not understand, network executives, and you’re about to learn our true power level.

P.S. If you’re reading this Loganaka, don’t even think about trying to lock me out of the house again when I leave. I know another way in through the back. Guess how? Hint: It’s not the screen door.

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Japan Just Does Animation Better

Ohayo mina-san,

I’m feeling quite sugoi today. It may not seem that way what with my mounting debts, no job opportunities and a bitter roommate who bitched at me for leaving Cheeze-its on the toilet. But forget all that. Last week was the premiere of the new Thundercats cartoons. I never cared for the original Thundercats, but this one I am generally interested in. Why, you ask? Because it was animated by anime studio 4 degrees. And guess what? It’s the best animation on television!

I’ve been taking crap from all of you American animation fans for years. You keep talking about how anime is low-budget and nowhere near as good as our American productions. Well, guess what, you bakas? Cartoon Network came to JAPAN for quality animation! Eat it! That’s right, eat it! No longer can you keep throwing that argument in my face about anime being cheap and ineffective. We were right, you were wrong. So shut it!

I’ve seen the pathetic productions made in America. Adventure Time? Don’t take me laugh. Oh, wait, it can’t because it’s not funny. This is considered quality. The design are way to simple. Where are their noses? Why do all their arms look like noodles? Give me a break, gaijin. Regular Show? A talking blue jay and a raccoon? Great, more talking animals. Real original guys. I’m not saying all American productions are awful. There are some good shows like The Boondocks and Afro Samurai. Oh, wait! Those were animated in JAPAN! My bad.

This got me thinking though. There should be more American cartoons done right through Japanese studios. With that in mind I have compiled a list of American cartoons that need to be remade and animated in Japan.

Justice League: This show has potential. After all, it must’ve been pretty good to air on Toonami. Though I never watched it, I saw plenty of promos and kept thinking ‘man, I’d love to watch this show if only it had better animation’. Let us send it to Japan and make my dream a reality.

The Venture Brothers: I saw the promos and would sometimes catch the tail-end of an episode before Adult Swim anime started. It didn’t interest me until I saw that episode where they had a character that almost looked like Astro Boy. He was great and I looked forward to watching if he showed up again, but sadly he did not. I’ll bet if they had more of him and animated this at Production I.G., this show could be a real hit in the otaku community.

Drawn Together: This show had the right idea with Ling-Ling, but, again, not enough of him. They kept focusing on these other stupid characters. Axe them and give Ling-Ling his own show animated by Bee Train.

Ren & Stimpy: I use to like this show as a kid, but back then I didn’t know better. Rewatching this show on NickToons, I can’t help but think that it could be much better if it learned a thing or two from the vastly superior Panty & Stocking.

South Park: Give it up, Matt & Trey. You can’t keep animating at this crappy quality forever. Pretty soon, people are going to wise up and see your animation for the pathetic, low-quality it really. Farm this out to Studio 4 degrees quickly before all the bakas out there open their eyes.

The Adventures of Gumball: I can see a lot of Shin-chan in this show, but under the same studio that animated Shin-chan, I believe it can go much farther.

Avatar, The Last Airbender: Yeah, I know, it looks a lot like anime, but it isn’t truly worthy until it gets animated by a proper studio like Madhouse. Remake it there and this show will have my respect.

I don’t mean to seem insulting, but Japanese animation is just plain better. Why not take advantage of anime for all it’s worth? There is no shame in having an American cartoon animated by the Japanese. They clearly know what they are doing more than we do. Accept it and evolve.

Keep on Rockin’ That Dragon

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Two Months of Disgrace

Worst. Hotel. EVER!

Konnichiwa,

I’ll bet you thought I was dead. Several forums reported that I was killed at Anime Detour for my controversial blog. The rumors of my death were greatly exaggerated. I can explain everything in my official con report (yes, I know it is late so shut up):

Thursday:

Those bakas at the Sheraton screwed up my room and ended up giving my room to those snotty punks who run the yaoi panel. I cussed at the desk clerks in Japanese which apparently one of them mistook for Arabic and called for a security guard who tackled me. After three hours of explaining the whole ordeal, the Sheraton said I could stay for the convention and that I could buy a room, but not at the convention rate. I didn’t have any credit left on my credit card so I decided to sleep in my parent’s car that I borrowed for the weekend. It wasn’t so bad. I had plenty of manga, Pocky and high spirits to last through the night. I’ve waited for Anime Detour this long; I can make it through one more cold night.

Friday:

I awoke around 10:30am to sounds of teenagers squealing and chanting ‘THE GAME’ in the parking lot. How I loathe them. Bitter and tired, I grabbed my duffle bag and headed to the hotel restroom to wash myself and dawn my Hentalia cosplay. Some janitor who entered while I was changing gave me a weird look due to either my cosplay or my partially washed body. I responded with ‘hey, it’s an anime convention’ and laughed my way out of the restroom. Registration sucked. The con staff got angry at me for putting my cosplay on before I acquired my badge. Then when I actually got up to the badge pick-up, I had to show them several forms of ID since they didn’t believe my driver’s license. Apparently SOMEBODY messed up my information and entered me in as a youth guest under the age of 18. Loganaka, I know you volunteered for Anime Detour and if I find out you were behind this, I will gut you Rurouni Kenshin style. And I’m not talking TV series Kenshin; I’m talking straight up OAVs, mother-baka!

These hurt a lot more in the temple than those Wii-motes, kid. Man up.

After that whole ordeal, I hit the video rooms for some Slayers Revolution and Dragonball Z Kai. I think I passed out at some point and the a-hole staff kicked me out for sleeping. I wasn’t sleeping; I was resting after an uncomortable night in my car because your precious yaoi panelists had to be housed. I hit the gaming rooms next, but it was really irritating playing Smash Bros against a bunch of 17-year-old trolls who all ganged up on me. It would’ve been easier to fight back if they weren’t all playing as Pikachu! I was eventually kicked out of there for chucking a a Wii-mote at some punk kid’s head. What a baby. I’ve been hit with an X-Box controller and you didn’t see me crying.

Then came the dance which was incredible. I enjoy the Detour rave more than any other mainly because they don’t toss me out for my weight or my body odor. I had a great time dancing and met this hot little moe chick in Rosen Maiden cosplay. We went back to her hotel room and had some drinks. Though my memory is blurry, I’m pretty sure we did it…twice.

Saturday:

I wish my arrest was this dignified. My Hentalia cosplay would have looked awesome next to a police car.

I awoke in the hotel room bathtub at noon. My clothes were gone along with my wallet and all the Pocky I bought. That woman I met wrote me a letter on the desk in Japanese. My Japanese is still at basic college level, but I could make out the words ‘baka’ and ‘fat’. The little tramp duped me. I’d get back at her. It seems the girl and her friends had taken all their stuff out of the room so I made a toga out of the bedsheets. Unluckily for her, I knew which photoshoot she’d be attending at this time. I bust into the picture-taking and announce the girl’s misdeeds to my being. That hussy had the nerve to start fake-crying and accuse me of raping her. Of course, being the overweight college otaku naked with a bedsheet, everybody believes her story. Security is called and they tackle me as I tried to escape into the parking lot. The tackle removes the bedsheet and every con-goer can see my pasty ass. All I could do was cry as the police car hauled me off to holding.

Sunday:

I awoke at 6am in the holding cell as my parents came to see me. My mother was weeping as my dad told me that all these ‘Chinese cartoons’ lead me down this ‘path of sin’. Rather than pay the bail, my baka-gaijin of parents decided to let me face jail time. They thought it would ‘straighten me out’.

So for the last two months, I have been in prison. I have to attend counciling and my parents refuse to let me stay in the house or pay for my college education. I also have to register as a sex-offender which is just awesome (I’m being sarcastic btw). I had to move out of the dorms and I am currently living at Loganaka’s house (but for social purposes, he denies my residence at his house). I can still attend the college anime club, but I was forced to step down as chair. Are you happy, trolls? Are you happy, gaijins? This is what you wanted. I have been disgraced and am now the scum of society. My identity in the anime networks have been tainted. You probably think this is the last blog post I’ll ever write and you’d be right…

You don't wanna mess with this!

…except you are WRONG! Don’t be fooled, you bakas! The great Dragon Rocker Z will rise from the ashes like the mighty Phoenix from the manga of the same name. I have sent in my resume to several anime websites including Anime 3000 and ANN. I will form my own club above such simple-minded college otaku. And, then, in the final step of my master plan to reform my life, I shall acquire a new woman. I’m totally over you now, Rebecca! My new onna will be the perfect lady who will bare my children. Too late to beg, Rebecca! The craigslist posting has already gone up. Don’t even think about e-mailing back about how much you miss me and want me back. From here on out, things can only go up. Dragon Rocker Z is here and he ain’t leaving!

-Keep on Rockin’ That Dragon

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Gilbert Gottfried is my Enemy

This is the new face of evil.

Greetings, my dear anime friends

I’m sure by now you are aware of the dire situation in Japan. I wish there was something I could do, but there is only so much I can do as a poor college student. I spend all my money on anime and manga to support Japan. What I can do, however, is do what I do best to help the great nation of Japan: by shedding a harsh light on the trolls. And the main culprit of trolling Japan in their emergency state is the horrific comedian, Gilbert Gottfried.

Gilbert Gottfried is guilty of posting this unbelievable statement on his Twitter:

“I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, ‘They’ll be another one floating by any minute now.’ “

You think that’s funny, GILBERT? Thousands of people are dead and you crack jokes about it? Let me tell you something, Mr. Comedian. We don’t need people like you trying to find humor in such a situation. If I want to laugh, I’ll watch Excel Saga. I will not listen to the hurtful ramblings of a squinty-eyed,  raspy-voiced Jew (no offense to the Jewish people). How would you like it if you’re whole family was killed in a tsunami? Let’s see you make a joke out of that, Mr. Funny Man! I’d like to see you retort to that. In response to his horrific comment, Gilbert wrote the following statement on his Twitter:

 

That's right, Gilbert. Nobody likes you.

“I sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended by my attempt at humor regarding the tragedy in Japan”

Really? NOW you’re apologizing. Funny how you’re sorry AFTER you crack a racist and mean-spirited joke. Were you even thinking when you wrote that hurtful statement? Did you think about all the people and anime studios that were destroyed in that horrible incident? How dare you, sir. You are a baka-gaijin of the highest level. I would not be surprised if someone stabs you to death with a samurai sword and chokes you to death with Pocky or those little marbles in Ramune. You have made a powerful enemy, Mr. Gottfried. Not only have you angered the master race of Japan, but now you also have to deal with us anime fans. And we are a force not to be reckoned with.

Do you have any idea what we are capable of? We will spam you’re e-mail relentlessly with blasts from FUNimation. You’re name will be smeared across all anime forums. You will be black-listed from appearing at any and all anime conventions (including ACen and Expo). But it doesn’t end there. Your identity will be subjected to an unlimited amount of DeviantArt drawings depicting you being slaughtered by every character from Kenshin to Kenshiro. We will track down every social-media site you have and cyber-bully you to fullest extent of the law. And that is just a taste of what we have in store for you.

Fuck you.

As a matter of fact, I’m thinking about suing you for the mental damage your tweet put me through. Since your statement, I haven’t been able to sleep or complete my homework. My grades shouldn’t have to suffer because you suck as a comedian. My dad is a lawyer so don’t think I don’t know how the law works. You will suffer for your dishonor, Gilbert. Rest assure of that. The glorious Nippon will rise again and when they do, you will be the first to be sent to the spirit world.

-Keep On Rockin’ That Dragon

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How I Just Barely Got into Anime Detour

Good evening, mina-san

Well, the capacity for Anime Detour 2011 has been reached. That means no walk-ups. Thank goodness I decided to not do that this year and preregister. However, it wasn’t until the last minute. I saw on the forums that the capacity limit went from 500 to 200 very fast. With little cash on hand, I knew I had to fight for my right to party. But since I don’t have the awesome sword skills of Inu-Yasha or Cloud, I had to go through legal channels. And it wasn’t easy.

Since I was short $32 on the preregistration cost, I went through my usual channels for income: blood and sperm banks. I only made $18 and in retrospect I should have gone to the sperm bank first. I was still $14 short. Many of my colleagues suggested that I sell some of the manga and anime I don’t use. I would except I don’t trust eBay and nobody on campus wanted to buy my stuff at a reasonable price. Can you believe some baka wanted my complete RahXephon set for $10? Do I look like a Goodwill? I may be desperate for cash, but I’m not that desperate. I have my dignity.

My parents are usually pretty good about loaning me money, but I think they’re on to me since they found out I was buying manga instead of textbooks. I tried asking for a raise at the fast-food joint I work at, but my boss got real angry and threw his can Dr. Pepper at my head. So how did I get my $14? Well, it wasn’t easy. I started small by swiping coins from mall fountains and Coke machines. I then moved up to performing my anime dances I’d rehearsed tirelessly in high school in the skyways for cash. I’d only made $4 and needed $10 in the next few days or I would surely not be attending Anime Detour this year.

So I fired up the old craigslist to find a gig for some quick cash. In the writing section, there was a job posting for bloggers wanted. I like to think of myself as a blogging expert so I applied. My job was to write 100 blog posts and I would earn the $10 I needed. They wanted me to blog about a wedding fashion. Granted, I don’t have much experience on the subject, but I’ve learned much from anime like Wedding Peach and Kimagure Orange Road to get a good idea. It was tough. In many of the articles I ran out of material and just started listing episode synopsis for Ranma 1/2. The boss for the blogging got mad at me and I received several angry e-mails for spamming people’s Twitter, WordPress and Blogspot accounts, but I wrote 100 articles and he paid me my $10. I just barely got the preregistration in on time.

So, yeah, I’ll be attending Anime Detour this year after having worked like a dog to get in. I’m not proud of the blog posts I made to get that money, but sometimes we all have to work. I suppose I could use those blog posts as writing material for a future job, but it is clearly not my best work and I’d like to forget the whole ordeal. I also feel really stupid that I just didn’t divert funds from the Society of Anime & Manga to pay for my membership. Paul-sama offered to pay for me, but he is a jerk and I don’t want to beg him for money. But all will be forgiven when we are partying it up at Anime Detour this April. I hope to see you all there.

-Keep on Rockin’ That Dragon

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Space Battleship Yamato Live-Action Movie!

Hello, all of you kawaii people

I’ve just been informed of the great news that a live-action Space Battleship Yamato movie is in the works. It’s also known as Star Blazers for you non-otaku. It’s being produced by Skydance Productions who produced True Grit. I didn’t see True Grit because I hate westerns, but my parents seemed to like it. I’ll take that as a good sign. If they can make Leiji Matsumoto’s classic appealing to even my conservative parents, I’m all for it. Many a time I’ve tried to convince them to watch Galaxy Railways and Captain Herlock unsuccessfully. This could finally bridge the gap. Granted, there was one released in Japan, but my parents hate subtitles (those bakas).

If you couldn’t tell, I’m all for live-action American adaptations of anime. It helps get the word out about how awesome anime really is and that American audiences should give them a chance. Take a look at the last two we’ve had: Speed Racer and Dragonball Evolution. Both were extremely faithful to their source material. Speed Racer finally got people to take the classic anime seriously again. Even though I don’t really like anime made before the 1990’s, I didn’t like everybody mocking anime by comparing it to the lackluster dubbing. Granted, the animation is awful and dated, but I acknowledge that without Speed Racer we wouldn’t have the much better series Initial D. Finally, people can stop making those stupid Speed Racer jokes. The Wachowski Brothers made a sugoi looking film that was serious and embodied the true spirit of anime. I salute them for changing the battlefield in anime’s struggle to reach the American public.

And Dragonball Evolution? I couldn’t have asked for a better adaptation. The film had everything I’d ever want: Goku, Bulma, Chi-Chi, Piccolo, Master Roshi and lots of action with a great Kamehameha. When I saw Goku wield that CGI ki energy while screaming ‘KAMEHAMEHA’, I got goosebumps. It seems that a lot of people don’t like this movie, otaku included, but I don’t understand why. Only a few people were in the theater on it’s midnight showings and the other people were very rude. They kept mocking and asking questions about the movie throughout the screening. Did they even watch the show? Maybe if they did they’d understand the character dynamic better and the epic nature of the show. Clearly they just didn’t get it. But for some reason everybody loved Watchmen which required you to read the comic. I haven’t read the comic and I still don’t understand it, but I don’t hate the movie for that. I’m sure if I read it I’d understand the movie better, but I just can’t get into American comics.

So with the upcoming adaptations of Star Blazers, Robotech and Battle Angel Alita, the future of anime is looking pretty good right now. I don’t go out to the cinema often unless you count the local art house theater where I watch anime. But you can bet if these titles were adapted, I’d be hitting the AMC much more often. Who knows? Maybe a live-action adaptation of Space Battleship Yamato can revitalize my faith in older anime. But I still hold my stance on old dubs. Anything dubbed before 1990 is inaudible to me.

-Keep on Rockin’ That Dragon

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The End of Borders

Goodbye, manga

Greetings, muggles

It seems that someone in the comments didn’t believe me about Borders going under. Well have a look at THIS. Take a good look at that list! Notice the Minnetonka location? That’s right, the same one you were saying was fine. Well, guess what? It’s closing! I told you! I told you it would happen and you didn’t believe me! Now all their books, CDs and DVDs are being marked down for store closing sales.

I suppose I could score a ton of manga from this, but what’s the point? Borders will be gone soon and my only means of acquiring manga will be from *shutter* comic book shops. Borders for the longest time was my home away from home. I’d order a hot chocolate from their cafe, browse the manga section and even organize club meetings there. But those days are over now. I’ve stated several times that I was banned from Barnes & Noble and I suppose I should come clean with the reasoning behind my banishment.

Back in high school I use to run a manga club at the local Barnes & Nobles. As long as we kept it relatively quiet and didn’t interfere with Children’s Story Time Reading, the manager didn’t mind. We had a great time discussing manga and how it synced up with certain anime. However, we were not the only club gathering at B&N. At the same time, a Christian youth group was holding meetings around the same area of the B&N right next to our gathering location. We didn’t try to interfere and waited for them to finish before converging, but we could tell they hated us. At the time, the manga section was right next to the religion section.

The prophecy has come true

It wasn’t long before they started discussing the sinful elements of our favorite manga. Angered by this, we took up our concerns with the manager, but he refused to listen to our demands for them to move. Then, as if them comparing Ranma 1/2 to passages from the Bible wasn’t bad enough, the leader of the group approached me one night and urged us to either move our group to another night and disband. We’d had enough of this! We organized a sit-in during their meeting to hold an all-day manga club meeting. This caused the Christian group to loud outbursts about us moving to a different location. This event triggered several crybabies over at the Children’s Story Time Reading and resulted in all of us being banned from B&N. Plus, it didn’t help that one of our older members was convicted of public exposure in the building after I specifically told him NOT to wear cosplay to meetings.

So are you happy now, you nay-sayers? I have lost Borders. I have lost my true home for manga.

-Keep on Rockin’ That Dragon

P.S. Can anyone give me a ride to the premiere of Yu-Gi-Oh 3-D in Lakeville? I’ll pay for your ticket.

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